Insomnia

Life has been crazy lately. I left my job and moved back home. It’s a long story, but it’s 100% what God wanted me to do.

The last few weeks were filled with tearful good byes, last minute work meetings, and packing. Lots of packing.

Now that I’m back home, in my parent’s home (YIKES!). I’ve been sorting through all my crap (yes, I really mean crap, I have a TON of stuff. but do I really need it all??)

I’ve been catching up on sleep– I slept from 10pm until 11am just about every day since getting home until Saturday.

And that all that lovely, glorious, much appreciated, though highly unneeded sleep has caused on great and awesome thing now:

INSOMNIA

I cannot sleep.

It all began Saturday night.

I began getting tired at 10 and went to go to bed.

And then 11 came by and I was still up. My brain would not stop.

So I turned on some old school reruns and decided to wait until I was tired again.

And 12 o’clock came.

And I was still awake. So I grabbed my computer and began filling out some applications and responding to emails. And I started getting tired.

And 1 came around, but still sleep teased me.

2 o’clock and I finally decided I’d lay there still all night if that was all the rest I’d get.

It was probably 3 before I finally passed out.

And I slept.

Until 12pm.

It was apparently such glorious sleep that my alarm could not wake me. (So radio church it was…and online sermons, I was feeling guilty…)

Sunday night about 11 I decided to try to go to bed. But still I could not sleep.

And it’s been late night after late night ever since.  I’ve finally started waking up around 8 or 9 no matter what time I finally pass out so here’s hoping that helps re-correct things.

It got me thinking how our bodies were created to live in this rhythm of rest and go rest and go. But this rest doesn’t just apply to sleep. It also applies to our faith. In particular to our faith when we intend to let God rule our lives, to live our lives in service to Him.

At school we always talked about it as this glass. We go to church, Bible study, and pray to fill up that glass. And as we serve, teach, and witness to others, that glass gets emptier and emptier. We need to continually refill our glass so that we can fill others.

I always notice when I’m out of that rhythm. I am more agitated  less at peace, and I’m pretty sure it’s got something to do with so much and so little sleep I’ve gotten.

We are meant to live our lives in a rhythm. Are you living yours in a rhythm? Or are you in a spiritual Insomnia season?

For in six days the LORD made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, but he rested on the seventh day. Therefore the LORD blessed the Sabbath day and made it holy. Exodus 20:11

 

 

Patterns…

I’m still here…

I’m sorry I went missing…

Life got crazy for a while…But thats a post for another day…

I have so many things I want to blog about since my last post.

Even before I sit down to blog I’m writing it in my head, how it should start, what I will say.

For every blog idea I had, I had this “I’m sorry for my lack of blogging lately” or something similar to start it…and it got me thinking…

I started a twitter a while back, I was pretty good at keeping up with it, and then I slacked. I got distracted by life and I didn’t tweet for a while.

I started a blog a LONG time ago (they called it Xanga, remember that?), it was the cool thing to do with all my friends. We’d all get on and talk about how we woke up, went to eat, and ran to class and then napped, etc. It was like this public journal of how we spent our day. And then life happened and we’d go days, weeks, months without blogging.

I started sinning a long long long while back. I’d catch myself and realize my mistake, ask for forgiveness, seek to do the right thing. And I’d do okay for a while, I wouldn’t lie to mom and dad, or I wouldn’t hit my brother, or I’d tell mom where I was going and actually come home when I was supposed to. And then life happened, and I got distracted….

See where I’m going with this?

Every day, every hour, we all sin. We’re all human, don’t lie: you do it, too.

We go to church on Sunday and we repent, we tell God, “Hey, I’m sorry, I messed up.” We make this mental note to not do that again, the guilt just wasn’t worth it. And we try our hardest to be better at not doing that. And life happens, and we get distracted…

But it’s okay.

Because we’re human.

Behold, I was brought forth in iniquity, and in sin did my mother conceive me. Psalm 51:5

We all do it.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God Romans 3:23

 

And God forgives.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. 1 John 1:9

 

Everytime.

As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12

 

It’s why He came after all.

For God so loved the world, that He sent His one and only son, that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life. John 3:16

 

And it’s pretty great.

To remember that I’m forgiven.

By the one who came to save me.

And you.

To remember that my salvation does not hinge on my perfection.

But my belief.

And my new creation in Christ.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 2 Corinthians 5:17

 

Thankful Thursday

It seems lately that I have a lot to be thankful for.

Not just because it’s that season.

But also because I’m reminded of how blessed I am and have been as I say some difficult good-byes.

Today I’m thankful for colleagues who took me out to breakfast.

I’m thankful for colleagues who care.

I’m thankful for progress in the packing- even if when I look at my house I still see things that NEED to be done…

I’m thankful for a going away party at school

And for making it through the party without tears.

I’m thankful for parents who don’t mind baking and cleaning up after said party.

I’m thankful for families who support me.

I’m thankful for friends far away who love and encourage me.

And who tell me that It’s going to hit me hard that I am leaving soon and it’s going be okay.

I’m thankful for friends close by who offer a listening ear and laughs over a meal.

I’m thankful for a cat who is extra cuddly lately.

For Walmart being open all the time (so even when I forget things I can run and get it.)

And for duct tape which fixes and holds anything!

I’m thankful for talented friends and their sweet gifts– as if I’ll ever forget them or the sweet sweet kids I taught?!

But mostly I’m thankful for a God who not only gave me all these blessings but also gives me peace- unbelievable, unexplainable, not-really-sure-why-I-m-not-freaking-out peace, Peace only HE can give and HE knows I really need these days!

What are you thankful for today?

Ps. I just realized that every blog this week has been day-themey, I promise the next one will NOT be. This week has been crazy!

I Hate Mondays…

Hate is a strong word… But it’s the word that is so often associated with Mondays.

It’s true that I don’t really like Mondays at all. Though I’m not sure I hate them.

A few weeks ago I decided to turn things around and see the positive in Mondays. I posted a blog called Monday Blues. So today I decided to do another. I’m in the midst of packing and loads of laundry so it’s easy to see a low side to today. But here are my Monday Blues…the Blue things of my Monday:

Blue Bell my cat is batting around the ground.

Blue vase I just wrapped up in a box. (yay progress!)

Blue sky after a stormy night.

Blue Jeans fresh from the dryer.

Blue tote packed full- PROGRESS!!!

Blue Ray Lion King movie playing in the background. (childhood memories anyone?)

Blue water in a clean toilet- clean bathroom! 🙂

Blue note cards I forgot I had and just rediscovered today.

Today take your Monday Blues and find the positive in today. It’s amazing what looking for the positive on a rough day can do. And Mondays are pretty notably rough.

What are your Monday Blues?

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Philippians 4:4

This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it. Psalm 118:24

The One Where I Tell You More About Me….

Before starting this blog I probably over analyzed it.

I thought about what kind of blog I would have. Would I just randomly tell you all the boring things I do each day? Would I try to have a purpose? Would I be anonymous or would I be willing to share anything and everything about myself?

As I began to think about anonymity and the career field I am in, I came to the conclusion that I could remain more open about myself and the things I am struggling with, thus being more transparent, by remaining anonymous to a level.

You see I work for a church. And I have found that in working for churches anything and everything you say and do can be criticized.

When I began this blog it seemed that remaining anonymous was best in remaining transparent. But its not a decision that I’m keeping as a total fact for now and forever more, just relevant to where I am at today.

But God has been doing BIG things in my life and my deepest desire for this blog is for it to be a place where I can pour out my heart. God’s BIG things are on my heart.

After much prayer, deliberation, and even some tears, I resigned from my position recently.

I felt God stirring my heart towards missions.

I’ve always loved the stories in the Bible of how Jesus called his disciples, and how they trusted completely and just left. And I love the story of Peter walking on water. It challenges me to be willing to step out of the boat, to step out of my comfort zone and trust Him.

As I prayed I couldn’t help but feel God calling me to step out, to get out of this comfort zone. And resigning was the first step.

One Sunday a colleague from another church came and asked how things were going, it was the same Sunday I was going to begin telling people I was resigning. I told him it was interesting he had asked because this was what was going on.

A few days later my colleague had a missionary in his office. This missionary oversees many 1-2 year missionaries in her field. And He told her about me, I was on his mind when she visited.

The next day I was in his office chatting and I told him that I was thinking missions.

It was like this great big Jesus moment. He hadn’t known I was already thinking it. I hadn’t known that this missionary was just at his office.

And so he shared my information with her and gave me hers.

Next week I’m supposed to be talking with her about some possibilities.

God’s handiwork is pretty amazing!

Who knows what will happen when I talk with her- if I’ll decide not to go or if it will all work out- who but God.

But it’s pretty amazing to feel like God is opening doors.

Trusting in God as I stepped out of the boat, this little comfort boat of mine, though scary, is truly amazing. And I hope that as I step even farther from my comfort zone and move home to a place where I don’t have a job that I’ll continue to trust God and I know he’ll continue to guide me. He’s pretty awesome that way!
It’s in the quiet after the storm that he has begun to make something of a future out of what was bleak and quiet.

Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voicebehind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” Isaiah 30:21